Bush's English Ain't two Hot. Sew Watt?

Although G.W. Bush is perhaps the worstest* president communicator in U.S. history, there is some consolation for the President: He is reputed to be conversant in Spanish.

And if, perish the thought, Bush immigration ideas become law, illegal immigrants from Mexico will quickly outnumber U.S. citizens on the American side on the border.

At that happy day, at least G.W. will be able to remind the millions of invaders he is so fond of that they are a goodhearted and hardworking majority.

In Spanish!

And the Mexicans will gratefully chant “Gracias, Meester Senor Boo-sh!”

America will thus die Hispanically Speaking without so much as a whimper!

*From the Dubya dictionary of contemporary Texas language arts.

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

Just How "Slick" Is Bill Clinton? (REVISED)

Liberal media spin masters, in cahoots with the Democrat Party, have always alleged that Bill Clinton is the smartest man in Washington , perhaps the entire planet.

According to these pillars of wisdom, Clinton may in fact be the most intelligent being to have ever lived, apparently including Jesus Christ, and excepting only Franklin Roosevelt, Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, and Hillary.

The fact that Clinton became ensnared in a sordid affair with a subordinate intern in the White House at the exact same time that his alleged sexual harassment of Paula Jones was being investigated by a special prosecutor and hostile U.S. Congress does not matter.

The fact that Clinton was impeached for perjury and obstruction of justice does not matter.

The fact that Clinton was disbarred from practicing law in Arkansas and prohibited from arguing before the U.S. Supreme Court because of perjury and obstruction of justice does not matter.

The fact that Clinton avoided serving in the U.S. military, but protested America’s involvement in the Vietnam War on foreign soil does not matter.

The fact that Clinton refused to take Osama bin laden into custody on two separate occasions does not matter.

The fact that Clinton destroyed morale in the U.S. military by implementing the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to protect homosexuals does not matter.

The fact that Clinton made the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy the first item on his agenda after taking office does not matter.

The fact that Clinton chose to pardon several unsavory characters in the final hours of his term in office does not matter.

The fact that Clinton attempted to ram socialized health care down the throats of the American people by assigning the project to a non-elected, nonmedical ally–his wife Hillary–does not matter.

The fact that Clinton did irreparable harm to an entire generation of American youth by pretending that oral copulation is not really sex does not matter.

The fact that Clinton promoted a reckless, irresponsible attitude toward marital fidelity, promiscuity, and family values does not matter.

The fact that Clinton failed to provide an honorable and decent role model for America’s impressionable does not matter.

Despite all his unintelligent behavior, leftists still regard Clinton as “too smart to measure” when it comes to IQ points. On a “brilliance” scale of 1 to 10, liberals always score Clinton as a 20 or 30.

But given Clinton’s performance on Fox News recently, one suspects that his image as a genius may be subjected to some serious second thinking, even by dedicated leftists. In that interview with Chris Wallace, Clinton came across as small-minded, petty, and silly.

For instance, Clinton attempted to claim that President Bush should have accomplished in eight months what Clinton himself did not do in eight years–namely, put Osama bin Laden out of business. How in the world can a person of “superior intelligence” even utter something so illogical and nonsensical?

Clinton’s emotional outburst on Fox News, including the squinted eyes, pursed lips, purple face, wagging finger, and other intimidating body language bring back memories of his performance(s) when he forcefully asserted ” I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”

A person gifted with exceptional intelligence would probably not repeat
the mistakes Clinton made in 1998.

Which leads one to question: Just How “Slick” Is Bill Clinton?
John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

Testing Ones 'Liberal Quotient' On Illegal Immigration

Since the debate on illegal immigration is heating up, here is a quiz which will measure one’s ”liberal quotient” on this vital issue. ”Liberal quotient,” of course, is the opposite of ”intelligence quotient” or IQ.

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I. Illegal immigration is:

( ) Desperately needed by liberals in order to win elections.
( ) A misnomer. They are actually undocumented Democrats!
( ) Mexico’s chief export.
( ) Not a threat to U.S. homeland security. Why would Mexican peasants destroy the land of free rice and tacos?

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II. Border security should be:

( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce.
( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce and more Democrats.
( ) Turned over to Vicente Fox in the name of diversity.
( ) Used to keep Republicans out of the United States.

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III. The proposed fence between the United States and Mexico is:

( ) A terrific idea, if built by firms owned by women and minorities.
( ) Unconstitutional. It discriminates against Mexicans too fat to climb over a fence.
( ) “Pork” in Red States, but economic necessity in blue states.

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IV. The proposed Guest Worker Program:

( ) Is illegal if it prevents Mexicans from collecting welfare.
( ) Will work if guest workers are required to join a labor union.
( ) Should include free health care, driver’s licenses, college degrees, and interest-free mortgages for illegal aliens.
( ) Sounds like amnesty, but Mexicans here illegally deserve amnesty!

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V. Spanish versus English: Mexican illegal immigrants should:

( ) Be required to continue with Spanish as their only language because the Democratic National Committee has printed 30 million ballots in Spanish for the 2008 election.
( ) Be kept English-illiterate to avoid exposure to GOP lies and propaganda.
( ) Be taught ASAP those vital English words and phrases like welfare, food stamps, ACLU, racism, class-action lawsuit, Vote Democrat, six-pack of Cuervo, etc.

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VI. Janet Napolitano, the Democrat governor of Arizona:

( ) Was for Illegal Immigration before she was against it.
( ) Was a “stealth” candidate in Mexico’s presidential election in early July.
( ) Thinks ”Minutemen” is a reference to the sexual staying power of Border Patrol agents.

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VII. In dealing with massive protests by illegal aliens, the most prudent action would be to:

( ) Send a ”Letter of Unconditional Surrender” to Vicenete Fox along with a fully executed ”Quit Claim Deed to California, Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico.”
( ) Pardon all 20 million illegal aliens with an Executive Order signed by President Bush and approved by Vicente Fox.
( ) Hand out Spanish-language ballots for 2008 with Hillary Clinton’s name prepunched as a vote for president.
( ) Sell forged driver’s licenses and Social Security cards, and use proceeds to buy ads opposing HR 4437.

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Well, how did you do? Liberal enough to be considered ”anti-American”? That is the goal of the DNC, you know!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

What Is Your "Liberal Quotient" on Gas Prices?

In the throes of the Great Gasoline Crisis of 2006, many irate citizens are blaming President Bush and the Republicans for it all, vowing to install Democrat majorities in both chambers of congress as a result of elections this November.

Trust me, fellow Americans, electing liberal Democrats to deal with the gasoline crisis makes about as much sense as hiring Vicente Fox to run U.S. border patrol. Or having Bill Clinton as your spokesman for marital fidelity.

It would just not be prudent!

To prove that hypothesis, this scientific test has been designed to measure ones “Liberal Quotient” — the opposite of intelligence quotient– on the issue of gasoline prices.

The test:

1. Soaring gasoline prices are the direct result of:

( ) A vast right-wing conspiracy to stop poor people of color from driving to the polls

( ) Republican greed and Bush lies about WMD

( ) Manipulation of supplies by “Big Oil” & Bush to drive the price per gallon up to $5

( ) President Bush’s domestic surveillance and torture programs

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2. Drilling for new oil reserves is

( ) Prohibited by the U.S. Constitution

( ) A grave danger to Alaskan wildlife & ticket sales for Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth”

( ) Sure to irritate Iran’s president and other Islamic business leaders that Bush should be working with, rather than against.

( ) Unnecessary if automobiles are outlawed

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3. Adding additional refining capacity would:

( ) Increase demand, causing more global warming. Not cool!

( ) Be more immoral than post-birth abortions

( ) Be OK if built in blue states by brown illegal aliens

( ) Not OK because the land is urgently needed for new DNC headquarters

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4. The best idea for dealing with the high cost of gasoline is to:

( ) Ignore it. Americans drive too much as it is

( ) Ignore it because higher prices will drive Bush’s poll numbers down

( ) Raise gasoline taxes $2.50 per gallon to reduce demand

( ) Cut off supplies to Red states

( ) Require each Mexican illegal alien to smuggle in five gallons of gas per month as a condition of the Bush amnesty

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5. SUVs and Large Automobiles are:

( ) anti-American. Anyone owning one should be arrested & charged with treason

( ) OK if operated by union labor working to elect Democrats

( ) Evil and should be confiscated, melted down, and recast into “Elect Hillary” campaign buttons–printed in Spanish

What did I tell you? You can not trust liberals to do the right thing when political gain can be achieved by waging a partisan food fight.

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California