Celebrating Earth Day With Appropriate PC Reverence

In order to commemorate Earth Day with the appropriate PC spirit and chutzpah, the “Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming and Electing Al President” has sanctioned a list of ten ways to celebrate Earth Day.

Mind you, these are not mandatory, provided one can prove a disabling handicap or mental disorder and is a properly registered Democrat!

Ten Ways to Celebrate Earth Day:

1. Take a friend to see An Inconvenient Truth.

2. Discretely fertilize your neighbor’s expensive manicured lawn with a special anti-power lawnmower spray invented by Al Gore.

This calling to do the Lord’s work is perfect for those who struggle to sleep and works best if done between the hours of 2-4 am.

Al’s lawn gore is guaranteed to eliminate the need for carbon-noxious lawn mowers for at least three years. Available at goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Mention this ad and get a free referral to a local attorney who specializes in defending those accused of property destruction felonies.

3. Take two friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

4. Invest in a carbon exchange corporation that is committed to ending global warming, while making obscene profits seem patriotic and “green.”

A very strong referral in this emerging business sector is the new enterprise known as the “Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud.”

This low tech misadventure is headquartered in Nashville, Tennessee on Al Gores’ 20,000 square foot “carbon neutral” mansion. Investors are advised to bring cash only–shares will not be released based on credit cards or checks.

The Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud will hold the company’s first annual meeting on April 22. Senator Boxer will deliver the keynote speech titled, “How Global Warming Can Impact Your Bar Mitzvah, Retirement, and Circumcision.”

Light kosher refreshments will be sold at the event.

5. Take three friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

6. Help Al and friends develop an “Enemies of Earth” database for use on future global warming activism projects, and for Al’s next run for president.

The objective is to identify those who refuse to worship at the altar of global warming and who mock the Lord’s work on this vital issue.

Most of the offenders are Caucasian Christian Republicans, mostly angry males. Al needs to create a database of such people including home address, e-mail, phone number, church affiliation, social security numbers, and all substantiated (unsubstantiated OK if real juicy) dirt that can be used in the 2008 presidential election.

7. Take four friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

8. Volunteer for the “Pulitzer Prize for Al Gore” campaign.

When Al Gore received an Academy Award for his objective and scientifically impartial movie, An Inconvenient Truth, the heavens literally opened and the light of truth was delivered to billions of people wallowing in the lies and deceit of those responsible for global warming.

Because of his heroic work to save the planet, Al Gore is a leading candidate for the Pulitzer Prize. You can make a huge contribution to the future of Earth, its six billion human inhabits, and innumerable species in the animal and plant worlds by working to help steer the Pulitzer Prize in Al’s direction.

For your “PP For Gore” startup kit and motivational DVD, send $512.37 to the address listed on goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Non-refundable, not tax deductible.

9. Take five friends to see An Inconvenient Truth, and

10. The ultimate vow of obedience for saving Earth.

This step is admittedly not for everyone. It requires those who really care about Earth, children, old people, and pregnant women to make a profound sacrifice.

To those so blessed, the objective is to attack global warming head on by surrendering all motor vehicles to the “Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming.”

Vehicles are accepted at DNC branches in all major cities provided one has a lien-free title to the vehicle, or a funding date for retirement of any outstanding liens through refinancing.

Please leave the keys in your vehicle and arrange for return transportation for all in your party. The DNC cannot provide or arrange for transportation.

Well, there you have it, moonbats! The liberal way to celebrate Earth Day with PC gusto!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Satire by John W. Lillpop

To Cho or Not to Cho?

Satire by John Lillpop

Ever diligent in its search for even more laws with which to pummel people into submission, the Coalition of Nanny State Liberals and Mainstream Media (CONSLMM) believes it has uncovered the root cause behind the shootings that cost 32 innocent people their lives at Virginia Tech.

It turns out that Cho Seung-Hui was himself a helpless victim. A victim of school bullies and hate laughter directed at Cho because of his strange speech and shyness.

According to one ex-classmate, Cho was ridiculed in an English class after being forced to read out loud. Cho’s accent and reading style sent the whole class into laughter, with many students pointing to the South Korean native and laughingly demanding that he “Go back to China.”

Clearly, then, the solution is to ban “hate laughter” against sensitive people.

After all, the young immigrant Cho had been robbed of his self-esteem and reacted in a predictable, and almost justifiable, manner.

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the U.S. House and President of CONSLMM, released a draft of new legislation that would sock it to bullies and protect delicate flowers like Cho Seung-Hui from the devastation of hate laughter.

Pelosi’s bill, titled “The Preservation of Self-esteem and Freedom from Don Imus and Handguns Abuse Act of 2007,” is a comprehensive approach to the complex social, economic, legal, and psychological problems that precipitate events like those acted out by Cho Seung-Hui on April 16.

Among the key provisions set forth in the Act are these:

1. Makes it a federal crime to willfully and knowingly promote or participate in “hate laughter” for the purpose of diminishing self-esteem in people known to be, suspected of being, or remotely possible of being, sensitive.

In addition to class rooms, this statute would apply to tanning booths, Jenny Craig Weight Loss clinics, adult book stores, Republican fund raising events, English as a second language (ESL) classes, and to border patrol agents engaged in arresting armed illegal aliens possessing at least 500 pounds of pot, cocaine, heroine, or any combination thereof.

A permanent exemption is granted for “hate laughter” directed at George W. Bush.

2. Makes it a federal offense to promote “hate laughter” in public communication forums including radio, television, movies, and the Internet.

Specifically adds “Nappy-headed Ho” to words forbidden by the FCC.

Imposes a new “Imus Recovery Surcharge” on all conservative talk shows and web sites in order to pay for monitoring and enforcement of this important public safeguard.

3. Repeals the 2nd Amendment and requires withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq by Memorial Day 2007.

All U.S. troops are to be re-deployed to the U.S. mainland and ordered to confiscate all weapons from us the people.

A permanent exemption is granted for armed guards employed to protect liberal politicians from attacks inspired by right-wing nut cases like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage.

In the final analysis, his grandfather, Kim Hyang-Sik, who said, “Son of a bitch”, voiced the most reasonable response to the Cho Seung-Hui massacre. It serves him right he died with his victims.”

Although Kim’s comment reportedly offended his daughter in law, it certainly makes more sense that the nonsense found in the mainstream media and echoed by liberal politicians.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

More "Cruel and Unusual"– Lethal Injection or Partial-Birth Abortion?

Although Democrats constantly promote themselves as champions of the less fortunate and the powerless, the truth is that there is there is damn little fight in liberals when it comes to the truly vulnerable and defenseless.

That would, of course, be the unborn.

Liberal disdain for the unborn was again obvious on April 18 when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the inhumane procedure known as partial-birth abortion.

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) reiterated the liberal mantra on abortion by blasting the court’s decision in a press release reading as follows:

“This decision marks a dramatic departure from four decades of Supreme Court rulings that upheld a woman’s right to choose and recognized the importance of women’s health. Today’s decision blatantly defies the Court’s recent decision in 2000 striking down a state partial-birth abortion law because of its failure to provide an exception for the health of the mother. As the Supreme Court recognized in Roe v. Wade in 1973, this issue is complex and highly personal; the rights and lives of women must be taken into account. It is precisely this erosion of our constitutional rights that I warned against when I opposed the nominations of Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Alito.”

Here: http://www.hillaryclinton.com/news/release/view/?id=1451

In other words, according to liberals like Hillary, women have a “constitutional right” to kill a fetus that is close to birth.

Those same liberals will argue that it is “cruel and unusual” to stick a needle into a brutal serial killer in order to deliver justice.

Think about: What could possibly be more “cruel and unusual” than crushing the skull of an unborn fetus in order to prevent the miracle of birth?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Liberal Solution to Cho Seung-Hui Murder Spree

In response to the tragic massacre at Virginia Tech, liberals were prepared to renew their clarion call for more strict gun control laws.

That plan was shot down when it was disclosed that Virginia Tech already has a no-guns policy in place.

Perhaps Cho Seung-Hui was unaware of the stringent anti-gun rules on campus? If only he had known, things might have been different.

As if someone sick enough to subject 32 innocent people to cold-blooded murder, and then blow his own brains out, would stop to worry about violating gun control laws!

How about the assisted suicide gambit that liberals are constantly promoting?

If only Virginia had an assisted suicide law in place, Cho Seung-Hui would have been able to stroll into a physician’s office and get whatever combination of pills and or injections needed to end his miserable existence.

Forget the fact that Cho Seung-Hui was only 23. He obviously deserved to die with dignity, and without all that humiliating news coverage.

Perhaps Cho Seung-Hui was despondent over the fact that he was not getting a tax refund from the IRS this year, even though he probably paid no taxes?

Another example of how the Bush tax cuts for the rich and powerful bite the little guy squarely in the posterior.

Further, one must not overlook the fact Cho Seung-Hui was a person of color. Being a little guy and a racial minority in America these days exposes one to constant discrimination and loss of self-esteem.

Finally, George W. Bush and his “shock and awe” swagger have caused impressionable young people like Cho Seung-Hui to rely on violence rather than diplomacy for conflict resolution.

What is the liberal solution to this quagmire?

First, repeal the 2nd Amendment, and replace it with a new constitutional amendment outlawing all dangerous weapons everywhere in the United States.

Secondly, require that assisted suicide be made available to any distressed person contemplating the murder of ten or more innocent people.

Thirdly, repeal all Bush tax cuts, retroactively, and revise the tax code so as to send every college student $1,500 on April 15 each year, and

Fourth, expunge the terms “shock and awe” and “war on terror” from the English vernacular.

Throw in the impeachment of George Bush and you have a perfectly consistent “solution” from the left for one of the most vexing issues facing contemporary America.

Illegal Immigration: A Reversible Curse on America

Notwithstanding arguments made by liberals, big business, President Bush, and the government of Mexico, illegal immigration is a dreaded curse on America.

Illegal aliens cause or exacerbate problems involving homeland security, crime, health care costs, education, affordable housing, budget deficits, traffic congestion, global warming, dependence on foreign oil, identity theft, prison and jail populations, and obesity.

There is, however, good news: Illegal immigration can be prevented and reversed.

That would be the case if the Bush administration and Congress would simply enforce existing laws, including deportation of those here illegally.

The benefits of enforcing existing laws include:

* Thousands of Americans killed each year by illegal aliens, including those slaughtered by drunken drivers, would still be alive;

* Homeland security would be strengthened because people of unknown character and criminal history would be removed;

* Election fraud would be reduced;

* Inmate populations at state, local, and federal penal institutions would be about 30 percent less;

* Overcrowding in classrooms would be eased, thereby improving the quality of education;

* Teachers would be freed from attending to the needs of non-English speaking aliens, again enhancing education;

* America’s health care system would no longer be burdened by millions of uninsured illegal aliens unable or unwilling to pay for medical services;

* Hospitals forced to close because of freeloading illegal aliens would once again be solvent and available to meet the needs of Americans;

* Americans would be able to receive emergency care in a reasonable period of time, rather than being forced to wait for hours upon hours in emergency rooms overrun by illegal aliens;

* Less demand would ease the affordable housing crisis, resulting in lower housing costs for Americans;

* Public services would no longer be provided to aliens not entitled to such services, thereby saving taxpayers scores of billions of dollars each year;

* Fewer vehicles would be on the road, thereby easing traffic congestion;

* Fewer vehicles would result in less carbon monoxide released to the environment, which would be a positive step in reducing global warming;

* Fewer vehicles would also mean less dependence on middle east oil;

* Most felony crimes being investigated in Los Angeles would not have been committed;

* Identity theft would be less of a threat to Americans;

* Welfare and food stamp use (and fraud) would be reduced;

* Driving under the influence crimes would be reduced;

* Life threatening obesity would decline as Americans would be forced to mow their own lawns, clean their own toilets, and wash their own cars, and

* Fast food restaurants, the bane of healthy living, would no longer have slave labor available to prepare and serve junk food. As a result, meal costs would soar, prompting many Americans to resort to healthier foods.

What about the negative impact of removing 12-30 million illegal aliens from America?

Removing that many people from the American economy would unquestionably result in major interruptions and displacements.

However, on average, most illegal aliens take more than they put back into the economy; so over time, the impact would be positive.

Other payoffs for sending illegal aliens back to their nations of origin:

* Antonio Villagarosa would be picking avocados in Salinas rather than destroying the once great city of Los Angeles as it’s Mayor, and

* Duyba Bush would be forced to learn proper English, rather than relying on illegal aliens to make him sound good by comparison!

That settles it: Round them up, ship them out!

Crystal Gail Mangum: Nappy-Headed Ho?

Satire

Because life in these United States is as close to Heaven as God sees fit to permit, liberals and the main stream media are at a loss to find vitally important issues with which to consistently excite voters and news consumers.

As a result, America’s leftist politicians and media have wasted more than a week and untoward quantities of ink and broadband on “inflammatory” comments made by an aging cowboy-hippie who purports to be a nationally syndicated radio DJ.

“Purports” is the appropriate verb, since no living soul has ever actually listened to Don Imus in the morning, or at any other time of the day or night for that matter.

With the exception, that is, of a 10-second interlude in which Imus called Rutgers’ basketball players “nappy-headed hos.”

That 10 seconds of edgy satire has escalated into “Breaking News Headlines” that have forced the president of the United States and several candidates for his job to weigh in on the ultra-sensitive topic.

In addition, “nappy-headed hos” almost toppled both the NBC and CBS networks, and has ratcheted racial tensions to a level not seen since those who pulverized Rodney King were acquitted.

All of this over a silly, non-story that should have ended when the I-man apologized.

However, Imus can be faulted for not apologizing to the Black Caucus on Capitol Hill.

Moreover, it is rumored that the I-Man has yet to atone for his sins by sending a dozen flowers to the grave of Jackie Robinson, the black player who crashed baseball’s race barrier with the Brooklyn Dodgers 60 years ago.

Better get with it, Imus, because the Robinson anniversary will soon be history.

Worse of all, while groveling before the Shakedown King of New York City, AKA the Reverend Al Sharpton, Imus had the temerity to use the bitterly racist slur “you people.”

Better send two dozen flowers and a bottle of expensive wine, I-man!

The I-man’s arrogant, flagrant, and willful use of free speech has sent mainstream media and liberal politicians scurrying to altars of political correctness in order to worship before, and appease, the god of diversity and tolerance.

A live human sacrifice was deemed necessary, and Don Imus seemed to be the logical candidate to quell the pagan lust for eradicating free speech; thus, the kerfuffle cost the I-man his gigs on radio and television.

Meanwhile, a very serious story has been all but been ignored.

Crystal Gail Mangum is the young black stripper who attempted to ruin the lives of three Duke University students by falsely accusing the three of rape.

On April 12, the attorney general of North Carolina came forward and flatly declared the three young men “innocent of these charges.”

In other words, Crystal Gail Mangum is a liar.

A damnable liar who people like Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and other race-baiting shysters have exploited to bolster the notion that African-Americans are still powerless victims of rampant racism at the hands of white people.

The truth is that Crystal Gail Mangum’s despicable lies and behavior have done far more damage to the black community than Don Imus could even hope to accomplish in a year of dopey “nappy-headed ho’s” gaffes.

So just what are the “reverends” doing to assure that Mangum’s rape fraud does not become a stereotype of black women stalking white college athletes for cash dividends?

Perhaps these “Black Angels” are working to assure that Mangum is punished to the full extent of the law so that legitimate claims will continue to be taken seriously?

Not a chance!

For his part, the Reverend Jesse Jackson sees the rotting carcass of Don Imus as god’s answer to his prayers for more black faces and voices in the media.

In fact, Jackson urged MSNBC to dump the I-man and to hire black talent in his stead.

MSNBC appears to have complied, at least with respect to dumping Imus.

Not to be outdone when it comes to milking the racism cash cow, the Reverend Al Sharpton is licking his chops at the prospect of legal action that would redistribute funds from the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer to more worthy black causes.

Like the Al Sharpton Happiness and Retirement Annuity, Al?

The bottom line: Triangulating alleged hate speech into employment and financial opportunities is obviously more important to Jackson and Sharpton than working to preserve the dignity and integrity of the black community.

Sad, but true.

Forget War Czar: America Needs Competent President

Satire

At long last the White House has admitted that George W. Bush is not up to the task of being America’s commander-in-chief and Mexico’s hired gun on illegal immigration at the same time.

Because Bush is far more passionate about ceding America to Mexico than he is about winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, Duyba has decided to look for a “war czar” to run the wars.

Duyba’s new aide-de-camp will handle the day-to-day activities involved in the wars Bush has going right now, and will be available to take over any new wars that Bush might fancy over the next two years.

Having a war czar in place will allow Bush to personally oversee the decay of the United States nation into a third-world cesspool. The czar will also be a convenient punching bag if the “surge” fizzles and Dubya needs to deflect blame so as to not sully his legacy.

Democrats were surprisingly supportive of the war czar concept. In fact, Speaker Pelosi faxed her resume and a cover letter to the Oval Office to let Bush know she would like the position. Pelosi claims to have experience in the region and listed Syrian President Assad as a character reference.

Conservatives were generally unimpressed by Duyba’s latest folly.

Said one, “Forget a war czar. What America really needs is a competent, credible president!”

Amen to that, brother!

Shut Up, Don Imus!

This time Don Imus just went too far. Even for a huge Imus fan like moi, the I-man’s latest indiscretion is over the top.

I refer to the truly stupid, irresponsible, and insensitive blather that came out of Imus’s mouth as he groveled before Reverend Al Sharpton on Monday.

Apologizing to an anti-Semite, racist hate monger like Sharpton is far more offensive than I-Man’s funny comment about the “nappy-headed ho’s” who play basketball for Rutgers.

As a result of his outrageous and reckless apology, the I-Man should be forced from the airwaves and tucked away in an assisted living or rehabilitation center for the elderly.

Get this wild man and his intemperate mouth off the air and out of the public spotlight before something truly awful happens.

Anyone foolish enough to tune into Imus with the expectation of being entertained with anything but caustic, non-politically correct, double-barreled, take no prisoners satire is a nappy-headed moron who deserves to be offended. Big time.

Don Imus has said more insulting things about the president of the United States, with the president sitting 10 feet away!

Here is hoping that PC stupidity does not turn “Imus in the Morning” to “Imus in the Mourning!”

Amnesty Is to Illegal Aliens As Time Lines Are to Terrorists

President Bush has spoken forcefully and correctly of the folly in recently passed military funding bills that include timelines for withdrawal of American troops from Iraq.

With the exception of Democrats and a few out of touch RINOs here and there, most people realize that timelines are foolish signals of surrender that tell the enemy of America’s dwindling commitment to victory, and the “date certain” by which said commitment will expire completely.

To his credit, the president plans to veto any bill that includes timelines.

The big question: Why is this president unable to connect the dots and understand that amnesty for illegal aliens makes no more sense than timelines for terrorists?

Amnesty, as history proves, simply motivates additional millions of uneducated peasants to invade our nation and to plunder American taxpayers.

It tells millions of Mexicans in waiting that America will not enforce its borders or immigration laws, and that invasion can be undertaken with impunity.

In 1986, amnesty was granted for about three million illegal aliens.

30 years and 12-30 million illegal aliens later, America has a much larger problem to deal with, and because of 9/11, a far more dangerous problem.

Just as timelines work against American interests in the war on terror, so it is that amnesty would work against American interests in the war to prevent the illegal invasion of this great nation.

Amnesty never has worked and never will!

The solution is to secure our borders and deport all illegal aliens!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Recyclers Wanted: English-speakers Need Not Apply

As one who consumes copious quantities of bottled water and canned soft drinks, I recently fell for some of the leftist pap about the inherent moral and spiritual superiority of those who recycle.

Mind you, people here in the San Francisco Bay Area take recycling very seriously.

In fact, next to assuring full rights for gays, transgenders, illegal aliens, and Islamofascists, being Green is the number one priority for any Bay Area resident worth his or her weight in “Bush Lied, People Died!” bumper stickers.

Here, correct punctuation requires one to capitalize green, as in Green, while letting God fend for himself, as in god.

Being Green is no longer optional, nor is it merely a commendable thing to do for those obsessed with doing community spirit.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Green is a full-scale religion and vital condition for survival.

Example: State and local police, highway patrol officers, sheriffs and other law enforcement authorities are forbidden from even asking about the immigration status of a carload of intoxicated Hispanics with Tijuana license plates and Viva! Mexico tattooed on their foreheads.

But do not let a state or local police officer, highway patrol officer, sheriff, or other law enforcement authority catch you tossing an empty Pepsi can into the garbage!

That is a serious offense that can lead to severe penalties and prosecution.

Bay Area residents are even required to segregate regular garbage from recyclable materials. Dumping an empty plastic bottle into the wrong type of trash bin is not yet a felony, but the San Francisco Board of Supervisors are working on it.

Mayor Gavin Newsom has said that he would sign such a law, provided the law includes rebates for empty whiskey bottles, and used administrative assistants.

Da Mayor is learning that rehabilitation–San Francisco style– can be dangerous to one’s health!

After years of sorting through my garbage in order to do what the city of San Jose pays Sanitation Engineers (garbage men!) $40 an hour plus benefits to do, I decided to recycle my empty cans and bottles on my own.

Recycling as a way of life seemed fairly straight forward, even simple: It was just a matter of hauling empty cans and bottles to a designated recycle center, and collecting the small pittance offered to those not fortunate enough to be paid $75,000 a year by the city for hauling garbage.

The project seemed even easier than imagined when I found out that there were two recycle centers very near my home.

As it turns out, the closest recycle center is also a Vietnamese grocery store. But not to worry, because much of the signage in the shopping center is in English.

Once inside, I quickly realized that asking for help in English had about the same likelihood for success as selling Holocaust artifacts in downtown Tehran! Forget it!

So it was off to the next recycle center, and yet another Asian food store. Another store packed with people who found the word “Recycle” confusing, profane, and or hysterically funny.

By the grace of God, I was finally directed to the recycle area in the lot behind the food store.

Thinking that my nightmare was finally over, I started to feel slightly better about recycling. Perhaps it wasn’t all bad after all.

My positive mood quickly went negative at the recycle station. There, the Hispanic attendant had his radio tuned to a Spanish music station with the volume so loud that one was tempted to call the EPA to report a violation of air pollution standards.

Despite blaring Mexican music and an English-challenged recycle clerk, I was able to redeem my cans and bottles and do my small part to save the planet.

Still, the experience was so repulsive and un-American, I decided to get even in my small, spiteful way: I donated the recycle rebate money to Exxon with a handwritten note reading “Compliments of Al Gore.”

In English!