George W. Bush's Top 10 Resolutions for 2007

President Bush has had a very rough 2006. To start with, he turned 60 in August and, by November 8, Bush looked and felt 85.

Only Saddam Hussein had a worse year than Bush, but at least Saddam no longer has to worry about broken resolutions, income taxes, or gaining weight.

Bush, on the other hand, has made his 2007 resolutions public as listed below. Included are the actions Bush intends to take in order to meet his resolutions:

* Get U.S. Troops out of Iraq.

Action: Order them to invade Iran.

* Avoid impeachment by a hostile Congress.

Action: Order the Marines to take over the U.S. House and Senate mail rooms with orders to destroy and all subpoenas.

* Avoid ridicule during the State of the Union speech.

Action: Tape it and send a DVD copy to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

* Improve approval rating to 35%.

Action: Hire Jeb Bush as the new White House pollster.

* Minimize the effectiveness of Nancy Pelosi:

Action: When signing the Defense Appropriations bill, attach a Signing Statement to revoke California’s statehood, thereby making Pelosi ineligible to serve as Speaker.

* Ease Concerns about border security:

Action: Cancel border fence and move southern border to Nicaragua

* Fix illegal immigration crisis.

Action: Pardon all 20 million illegal aliens now in America.

* Meet military recruitment goals.

Action: Bring back the draft and conscript needed bodies from among those former illegal aliens.

* Improve foreign language skills.

Action: Take remedial English at Crawford City College and work to make Spanish America’s official language.

* End partisan battles with Democrats

Action: Change party affiliation to Democrat, and destroy that Veto pen in the Oval office.

Good luck, Mr. Bush!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Who Should Get Credit For Saddam's Demise?

Democrats about to take over Washington, D.C. next week are already spinning the execution of Saddam Hussein so as to deny any credit for the tyrant’s demise to President Bush.

Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi, reached at a botox recovery clinic in San Francisco said, “Remember, this was an act by a free and Democratic Iraqi people. President Bush was irrelevant.”

Incoming Senate majority leader Harry Reid, speaking from a front-row seat (gifted to him by the Nevada Gaming Commission) at a boxing match, echoed the sentiments of Pelosi and added, “Forget George Bush. Saddam’s end came about as the result of Iraqi jurisprudence.”

Perhaps Pelosi and Reid are right. But how do you explain the following label on the hangman’s noose:

“Made in Crawford, Texas by good hearted, hard worked illegal aliens for Dubya”?

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Saddam Hanging Sends Message to Enemies: Don't Mess With Texans!

Primarily due to America’s problems in Iraq, President Bush has seen his credibility and reputation deteriorate significantly throughout the world. Once feared by our enemies, Bush is now the object of public ridicule and scorn dished out by tinhorn despots.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad openly mocks Bush and dares him to “Stop me if you can” when it comes to uranium centrifuges and Iran’s “right” to go nuclear.

Korean madman Kim Jong Il launches a dramatic fireworks show on July 4, defiantly upstaging America’s Independence Day celebration.

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez feigns smelling sulfur while addressing the UN, and jokes that the odor can be traced to the presence of the devil, AKA President Bush, in New York a day earlier.

However, Saddam Hussein’s hanging may precipitate an attitude adjustment in tyrants guilty of “misundersestimating” Bush. Indeed, a new message is being sent, loud, and clear.

That message: Don’t Mess with Texans!

The world will be much safer if jesters like Ahmadinejad, Il, and Chavez heed this new message!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

The New Bush Iraq Strategery

As the war in Iraq continues to chip away at President Bush’s poll numbers and flickering hopes for a favorable legacy, the administration is fully committed to finding a new strategery that will work while silencing Bush critics.

Sequestered at Camp David for the holidays, the president and his top advisers have been toiling late each night (until 7 p.m.) to find a solution.

Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein is sequestered in a lonely cell in the “Green Zone” awaiting the inevitable: Namely, the arrival of that lucky Iraqi citizen who won the Baghdad lottery, and with it the right to deliver Saddam to Allah via a hangman’s noose.

To causal observers, it is difficult to imagine a single solution that would simultaneously solve the difficulties faced by President Bush and Saddam Hussein. Those trained in the science of problem solving would disagree.

For example, thinking “outside the box” could lead President Bush to a very creative, bold step such as this:

Before Iraq gets around to executing Saddam, Bush should address the American people and declare that as a result of intense questioning (read torture) of those Iranians recently captured in Iraq, Saddam Hussein has been cleared of any and all wrong doing, and is reinstated as the president of Iraq, effective immediately.

Bush could continue by saying that all of the faulty intelligence about WMD in Iraq was created by Osama bin Laden and feed to the CIA by Al-Quaeda operatives stationed in Baghdad, but reporting to Tehran.

The president would conclude his address by announcing the immediate withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq.

With this grand strategery, Bush could:

-Exit Iraq gracefully without admitting defeat

-Demonstrate American integrity to the Arab world

-Establish a link between Al-Quaeda and Iraq, thereby derailing faulty conclusions reached by the 9/11 commission

-Blame Al-Quaeda and Iran for the WMD debacle while justifying the Iraq invasion, and

-Saddle Saddam with the onerous tasks of managing the snake pit in Iraq and dealing with Helen Thomas, David Gregory, and other liberals hostile to the administration.

But what about the need to exact justice from Saddam in order to atone for his evil ways?

Again, problem solvers will point out that running Iraq is impossible and that within 30 days or so, Saddam would be hunting for that hangman’s noose in order to do himself in. Saddam’s suicide would serve justice just as well as a state sponsored execution.

Meanwhile, President Bush would be free to resume his plans to remake America into a suburb of Mexico, and to start raising the $500 million needed for the Bush Memorial Library!

satirebyjwl

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Executing the Law in Iraq: Valuable Lessons for America

On December 14, 2003, American military forces opened a rat hole on a small farm south of Tikrit, Iraq. Out of that miserable hole crawled one of the most despicable and loathsome freaks ever to have plagued this planet.

Saddam Hussein, once feared and despised in nearly equal measure throughout Iraq, emerged from that hole as a haggard, beaten coward.

The “Butcher of Baghdad” was taken into to custody to answer for his alleged crimes against humanity, including burying people alive in mass graves, gassing his own people, and other heinous acts of unspeakable brutality.

It was Saddam’s severe misfortune to have been apprehended in Iraq, rather than in America.

Had the killer been driven from a hole in, say, California, he would have had a legion of ACLU lawyers clamoring to defend him. After several years of wrangling and legal table tennis played to perfection by his corrupt lawyers, Saddam would have been sentenced to death.

His sentencing would have started another ten or fifteen years of legal maneuvering know as the appeals process. During this period, lawyers driving to and from court would face a greater probability of dying in a fatal automobile crash than Saddam would face as a result of justice being served.

Conjugal visits, cable television, supervised physical exercise, and maybe even Internet access would have made Saddam’s days tolerable, if not enjoyable.

But, alas, Saddam was captured in Iraq, not America. So instead of conjugal visits, large contingents of lawyers, and prison amenities worthy of a king, Saddam got—Ramsey Clark.

Perhaps the Lord does have a sense of humor, after all. That would explain the irony of Saddam Hussein having his very life boiling down to the competency of Ramsey Clark. That is a good one, Lord!

Even more ironic is this: Just slightly more than three years after Saddam was captured, his death sentence was upheld by Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin who decreed that Saddam must be executed within 30 days of December 26.

Consider what has transpired since 2003: Iraq has been through “shock and awe” courtesy of the United States Air force, has been invaded by the mightiest military force in human history, and been splintered by sectarian violence many consider to be “civil war.”

Yet, in spite of all of that, Iraq managed to try Saddam Hussein, adjudicate his appeals, and sentence this subhuman beast to hanging in just over three years! All that remains is the actual hanging.

Those responsible for managing America’s system of jurisprudence could learn a great deal from Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin.

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Best TV: Execution of Saddam or Fall of Washington, D.C.?

In a classic example of “Better Late Than Never,” Iraq’s highest appeals court has gifted President Bush and all of America with an extraordinary Christmas gift: That would be the head of deposed president Saddam Hussein.

Moreover, Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin has ruled that the execution must be “implemented” within 30 days.

Go here for story:

Good grief, I wonder if Judge Shahin realizes that his ruling sets up the potential for a major television ratings war?

Think about it.

What if the Iraqi executioner decides to “implement” Saddam’s demise on January 4 or 5 of next week? So what, you ask?

Here is the problem: The mother of all conflicts would ensue because America is scheduled to officially commit national suicide over those two days, starting with the crowning of Nancy Pelsoi as Speaker of the United States House.

Frantic viewers would be torn between conflicting passions: Do I watch as the last vestiges of life are ripped from the heathen Saddam Hussein?

Or do I tune in and witness America’s surrender to the forces of insanity as Nancy Pelosi, who is qualified to clean the House with a mop and bucket but not much more, takes over leadership?

Oh, the agony of difficult decisions. Perhaps we could work out a compromise?

Could we, say, execute Pelosi and crown Saddam! That would really get the snake-oil salesmen, also knows as advertising professionals, working overtime.

It might just save America as well!

And to spice up the snuffing coverage, why not include Ramsey Clark in the doings—as a snufee, that is—and call it a “double header?”

A word of caution to the executioner: When selecting the instrument for doing in Pelosi, be advised that most of her being is recycled silicon and or new botox. Thus, lethal injection may take 45 minutes, or even longer to work. But the American people are a patient lot, and we will wait if the reward is great enough– and in this case, it would be!

A final word of caution to the networks: Use international diplomacy, threat of nuclear war, or whatever it takes to assure that NOTHING interferes with the broadcast of NFL playoff games and the Super Bowl!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Is Santa a Democrat or a Republican?

While nearly everyone has weighed in with speculation as to the likely party affiliation of Jesus, not much has been written about Santa Clause.

Would the jolly old man be a Democrat or a Republican?

Consider Santa’s Democrat tendencies:

• Is a multilingual globalist
• Exploits children to enhance his public image and retain power
• Works just one night a year
• Hangs around with and employs fairies (elves)
• Illegally crosses U.S. borders every year

Then, consider Santa’s Republican tendencies:

• Is a fat, old white guy who probably drinks too much and hates change
• Conspires with big business once a year to rip-off millions of average Americans
• Considers himself “compassionate” although he pays his elves far below minimum wage
• Lives in a foreign land (North pole) to avoid paying U.S. taxes
• Values the bottom line over the environment — think about all those reindeer droppings

Fact is, Santa seems split fairly evenly between Democrat and Republican. In that sense, the old boy reflects America almost perfectly!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Jesus Was the "Prince of Peace," But Not a Muslim

As the world celebrates the birth of the “Prince of Peace,” our conservative president repeatedly refers to Islam as a “religion of peace,” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

In a practical sense, the president’s naive mindset may explain why professionals working in Homeland Security are ordered to follow PC, rather than common sense, in dealing with “young, middle-eastern males who speak Arabic.”For instance, TSA is prohibited from using racial profiling as a tool for identifying potential terrorists. As if my 87-year old grandmother, wheel-chair and all, is as much a threat to ram a 747 into the Coit Tower in San Francsico as Mohamed or Ali.The administration’s neurotic opposition to arming airline pilots is another example of PC over common sense in the war on terror.Perhaps the president would believe differently after learning what Zacarias Moussaoui had to say in court last April. Moussaoui said he would like to see attacks like 9/11 “every day.” He mocked a Navy sailor who wept on the stand as she described the death of two subordinates.

Most dramatically, Moussaoui testified that Muslims are mandated by the Koran to kill infidels, and that he wished even more Americans had died on 9/11.

Clearly, this man is the very embodiment of evil. Sub-human, worthless, and deserving of death are other apt descriptions.

Religion of Peace is NOT a phrase one would associate with Moussaoui or Islamic fascism.

Have you heard, Mr. President: Jesus Christ was Not a Muslim!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

Arabic Signs Panic Virginia Virgins?

Upon first seeing the title of the fine column by Warner Todd Houston, my old, tired eyes misread “Arabic Signs Panic Virginians” as “Arabic Signs Panic Virgins.”

An understandable mistake as one endures the tandem ravages of age and insanity.

But my poor eyesight caused me to consider the following question: Where does Islamic Heaven get all the virgins needed to supply the Islamic brotherhood of suicide bombers and other Muslim martyrs?

If the liberal media are to be believed, George W. Bush eliminates Islamofascists like most people eliminate baked beans. That means that there must be a “virgin shortfall” in Islam heaven. Supply being outstripped by demand, and all that fancy economic stuff one picks up at Yale.

And who knows, perhaps the Jihadist community has decided that “Virginia virgins” fit the bill perfectly for replenishing available stock?

Bottom line: Maybe my eyes are not that bad, after all. Maybe virgins in Virginia should be wary of young, middle-eastern Muslim men who speak Arabic.

But that would be racial profiling. Right?

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!

No Offense Intended, But…

Lord knows I am no flame-throwing anarchist who stumbles about saying and doing things only to irritate good people. That is not my modus operandi, regardless of what some green-eyed liberals may be charging.

Nonetheless, it seems fitting at this time of year to “Cast My Fate to the Wind,” as it were, and to speak unabashed about that which I believe, without undue regard to political correctness.

As they used to say, “Let it All Hang Out!” Thank goodness they no longer say that, because the number of children being born out-of-wedlock was spiraling way out of control!

Thus, and therefore, acting against the counsel of my lawyer and psychiatric team, I hereby plunge headfirst into the world of defiance and wicked decadence.

I do so by exclaiming the following greeting from the the top of my keyboard:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

There you go. I said it, and already I hear the manic screams of sirens outside my padded cell.

What to do?

The only thing a sane person would do. Repeat the “sounding joy” and again say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!